Qu'estce
by hpets
Summary: Jim gets an interesting surprise. French Spock. Short Comedy ficlet request for my pal Fuzzy. Happy Birthday sweetheart. Slash Spock x Jim


Qu'est-ce?

_Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek 2009 or anything else connected to the Star Trek franchise. _

_AN: This is just a short spirk fic for my friend Fuzzy. Happy Birthday, hope you enjoy. :D _

_And it has nothing to do with Junior, but you could see it as before Jim and Spock bonded if you want it to be a prequel. _

Warnings:

Slash: Kirk x Spock

The bridge was quiet as they cruised through the open expanse of space. They had no urgent mission to complete and were well within safe and secure federation space.

Sulu was directing them towards their next destination at the helm discreetly catching up on his botany journals on the side, while Chekov was going threw various complex sums just to pass the time. Uhura was quietly teaching herself some obscure dialect from some unchartered planet they had just visited last month, while keeping one ear on subspace frequencies.

Jim was probably the only one who had any actual work to do consisting of various unimportant forms and reports to fill out that he had been neglecting during the excitement of previous missions. But instead of filling out crew request forms for more cabbage in the replicator he was playing digital 3D chess. I mean who likes cabbage really. He told himself and anyone who asked it was important for crew moral, since him beating Spock at chess definitely put him in a better mood, not that losing was that bad, but it was always fun watching Spock figure out how Jim had won with moves that just weren't logical.

Spock was off somewhere doing some sciencey thing with his science people in one of the labs. Jim hadn't really been listening when he mentioned at breakfast he wouldn't be on the bridge for the beginning of Alpha shift. It was waffle day so he was concentrating more on eating before Bones arrived and scolded him for breaking his diet before confiscating them, then he was on what Spock was saying. He would read it in a very thorough report Spock would submit in the afternoon so it wasn't all that important to know anyway.

An hour later though he would really wish he had been listening.

It all started when the science lab commed the bridge asking if Spock had returned to his post. Apparently they had turned their backs to check on some experiment and he had vanished, abandoning his work mid trial.

Then they started getting reports about Spock being seen in various locations around the ship acting strangely but before anyone could confirm this he had vanished.

After awhile the reports stopped, but they had a security team checking every deck just incase.

Spock was still missing, until he swaggered onto the bridge, a seductive smirk on his face. He had replaced his science blues with a black and white striped shirt, and a red scarf was wrapped loosely around his neck. In his hand, held daintily between two fingers was a cigarette, white smoke curling from its lit end.

"You waz looking for me, Ceptain?" He drawled in a French accent bringing the cigarette to his lips and taking a deep drag.

Jim stood from his chair mouth falling open in shock as the bridge crew stared in disbelief.

Spock smirked running his free hand down his chest, "You are speechless non. I am possibly too attractive yes."

"Spock, what?" Jim stuttered finding his voice. He and Spock had been dating for the better part of 3 months and he had never seen Spock smirk. Let alone in anything other then his science blues or his meditation robes.

"Do not be alarmed by my radiance, my love turtle, I am here only for you," Spock replied flicking his cigarette away and taking two strides to sling an arm around Jim, producing a rose, from where he did not know.

"What are you doing?" Jim asked alarmed pushing Spock back and ducking out from under his arm. He could hear Sulu's snort behind him along with Chekov's suppressed giggles.

"I am courting you, my golden caramel. You will fall for my charm non," Spock informed him eyebrows dancing upwards, seductive smile playing on his lips.

"Look Spock, I don't know what's happened or if you've been drugged or what but we'll call Bones and get you checked out yeah," Jim replied backing away slowly. He would have found the situation funnier if he didn't think there was something seriously wrong with his first officer.

"The only drug I am on my little dove is the drug of love," Spock drawled starting forward in an attempt to pull Jim into his embrace once again.

The captain darted out of the way, putting the helm between him and his crazed commander, "Seriously Spock would you stop that."

"You playing hard to get sweet petal," Spock smiled sliding the rose across his chin, " I will enjoy the chase."

"I'm not, arg.." Jim tried leaning on the console turning his glare to his two grinning subordinates, " This is so not funny, Spock I'm not playing hard to get I'm not to be gotten and that's an order," He growled.

Spock smiled playfully steeping back to lounge in the Captain's chair, pulling up his shirt to expose his flat stomach, "Your order is up, I am here for you my sweet love bug," he purred.

Uhura burst out laughing unable to stifle it any longer.

"Uhura, be quiet, Spock, Spock pull your shirt down please," Jim ordered shaking his head, even if his eyes stayed focused on Spock's stomach.

"You are right, my cherry, enough is becoming enough," Spock replied rising from the chair.

"Good, Uhura call, what the hell," Jim cut off as Spock vaulted over the helm console and crowded him against the main view screen.

"Let us proceed," Spock declared sliding the rose stem behind Jim's ear as his lips descended to his throat.

"Spock, stop what are you doing?" exclaimed Jim, rapping his hands around Spock's arms in an attempt to push him away.

"I am ravishing non," Spock replied wrapping his arms around his captain, peppering kisses anywhere he could reach.

"Spock," Jim epped struggling to pull his head up, "Help me you bastards," He growled at the bridge crew now laughing openly at his predicament.

He bit his lip stifling a moan as Spock started to suck at his pulse point, "This really isn't the time or place," he muttered.

Spock pulled back suddenly," You are right my tasty lollie,"

"Yes, yes you need to," Jim stuttered out surprised and relieved at Spock sudden back track.

"We must seek a trysting place," Spock continued abruptly slinging Jim over his shoulder and striding to the turbo lift before he even had a chance to react.

"Spock?" He grunted unexpectedly finding himself upside down.

"Would, would you like me to call Doctor McCoy now Cap, Captain?" Uhura gasped out between fits of laughter.

Jim sighed, resigned to his fate, "Give it an hour Lieutenant," He yelled as the lift doors squeaked shut.

QU'EST'CE?

_A Couple of hours later…_

"So what the hell was wrong with him?" Jim asked as he a McCoy stood off to the side, observing a sleeping Spock laid out on a bio-bed in the main sick bay.

"He got infected by a virus," McCoy smirked.

"What kind of virus?" Jim wanted to know.

"A computer virus," McCoy replied smirk widening, "Gives a whole new meaning to the whole Vulcan's are a bunch of walking computers thing."

Jim frowned, "How the hell does that happen? He isn't actually a computer you know."

McCoy smiled, "Yeah I know, but don't tell him I said that. It was an organic computer virus, almost like a flu virus but for computers. Unluckily for Spock, since the nerves in his hands run directly to his brain, it managed to pass threw the touch screen into him, like flu germs from one person to another."

Jim looked at him confused, "That doesn't actually seem possible."

"We think it also had something to do with his experiment as well. He was testing that plant you picked up on Gamma Tri IV," McCoy continued to explain.

"The one that we thought its fibers could be used in android systems?" Jim wanted to clarify.

"Yep," McCoy confirmed crossing his arms over his chest.

Jim's eyes brightened as the calculations ran through his head "Ah, well I guess that makes sense, kind of. But what was with the whole French Casanova thing?"

McCoy snorted, "It's called the 'Pepe Le Pew' virus."

"You mean that 20th century cartoon skunk that's always trying to get with the cat?" Jim's eyebrows rose.

"Yeah, it's supposed to make the computer try and seduce its user with cheesy lines and a terrible French accent. Its pretty much a gag virus to mess with people," McCoy explained.

Jim lips twitched upwards, "So how did it get into our systems?"

"That you will have to ask your science nerds to figure out, I'm a doctor, Jim not some computer programmer," McCoy growled in jest.

"Yeah, yeah, ok. What's going to happen now? Will Spock remember any of it?" Jim needed to know.

McCoy shook his head face split into a wide grin, "Yep, every detail, but I doubt he will admit to it."

"Ha," Jim burst out covering his mouth surprised at his laughter thinking back to the bridge and all that happened after, "Yeah he really wouldn't want to admit to anything like that?"

"You'll just have to jog his memory, won't ya," McCoy prompted cheekily.

"Oh yes I know exactly how to do it," The Captain smiled cheekily striding to the door, "Anyway I better get back to the bridge, tell Spock he has the rest of the day off when he wakes up."

"Sure Jim," McCoy smirked watching the Captain sweep through the sickbay door and vanish down the corridor.

QU'EST'CE?

_The next day…_

It was an unusual occurrence when Spock was late for shift, but in this instance it was unavoidable. Doctor McCoy had called him in to sickbay to check on his condition after the events of the previous day. He had managed to categorize and file away all the memories of his escapade during meditation, but had little hope that Captain wouldn't bring it up sooner rather then later.

He had assured the Doctor he was in top physical condition and the exam was unnecessary. The man had answered with his usual gruff response of 'I'll be the judge of that' before muttering something about stubborn Vulcan's and stupid pointy-eared hobgoblins.

It was not until after he received a clean bill of health that he was able to report to the bridge for Alpha shift, to find an unassuming black felt hat on his seat.

"May I ask why a French beret has been placed on my chair?" Spock asked to the bridge at large picking up the offending item between fore finger and thumb.

"Just thought you might like to finish off your outfit Mr. Spock," Jim grinned eyes focused on his first officer's face.

"To what outfit would you be referring to Captain?" Spock queried turning to face his superior officer.

"The one you were wearing yesterday, you know with the stripes," Jim's grin widened.

Spock could see the entire bridge crew was looking at him expectantly, all failing in suppressing their mirth.

"I do not know to which you are referring," Spock replied a green flush spreading over his cheeks as an image of himself in the mirror wearing a horrible black and white stripped shirt and red scarf flashed across his mind.

Jim laughed slapping his knee, "Spock, you make on hell of a Frenchman."

Spock's lips twitched "I'm sure you would know Captain." Jim choked on his own laughter a light red flush colouring his cheeks.

"However I am sure I make a better Vulcan," he continued.

"That you do Spock, and I wouldn't have it any other way," Jim grinned, as the whole bridge erupted in laughter at their Captain and Commanders expense.

The end

QU'EST'CE?

Qu'est-ce = what ? in French, at least according to google translate, which gives me different translations for it every day :P

AN: have borrowed or altered some lines from Warner brother's cartoon Pepe le Pew as I'm sure you've notice.

And I hope you enjoyed my first attempt at pure humor. Please review.


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